Posts

yeah - no worries!!!

A Deputy with a teddy bear as a logo?
Not very threatening are we!!!!

Precisely! I did warn you!!!

Equality:


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge

Four Husbands



A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, and what it felt like to be marrying again at 80.
He asked what her new husband's occupation was.
"He's a funeral director," she answered
"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that her first husband was a banker when
she was in her 20s, followed by a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,and now - in her 80's
a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers



(wait for it)


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Council Job Interview

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow
at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special
treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."

Put me in charge . . ..

Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get rid of cash payments and provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, takeaway and junk food, then get a job.


Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have birth control implants.
Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.


Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.


Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff dooff stereo and speakers and put that money toward the

The Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail And hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, Don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey.. I love you!' His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, And asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Drafting Guys Over 60
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!


Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.